Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Benjamin Goodheart's "Top 50"

 The author as an "adult"

You may wonder why the title of my Top 50 is in quotes. Well, read Pitchfork's top 50. Then read this piece of shit article that Vice put up. Then read my article. Then sob yourself to sleep as you realize music journalism is mostly there to reinforce why someone likes a band. "Well pitchfork/vice/absolutepunk etc" likes it. (Also I think my jokes are better than Ben Johnson's.)

50. Sean Price - Mic Tyson
You know how Akira is so good because of it's hilarious reaction shots? Mic Tyson is like that, but with ad libs. "Shut the fuck up. Puh!"

49. Verse - Bitter Clarity
Was disappointed at how disappointed weirdo hardcore purists weren't about this album.

48. Cheap Girls - Giant Orange
Calling this the "Kyle Kinane" of 90s garage rock revival would be too easy of a joke, right? I don't even think it would make sense.

47. Heems - Nehru Jackets
Das Racist broke up, but it's okay because "Jason Bourne" makes up for all of that. Boop boop beep beep.

46. The Hiya Dunes - High Tide

45. How To Dress Well - Total Loss
I didn't listen to this album as much as I could because I don't have sex a lot because I spend my afternoons thinking up jokes for fifty fucking albums.

44. Rise and Fall - Faith
Man, imagine if Trash Talk got this spot? That would have been embarrassing.

43. We Were Skeletons - Blame & Aging
I'm glad we're old enough where we don't resort to Scramz. Props, dudes.

42. Chelsea Wolfe - Unknown Rooms
What defines Chelsea Wolfe blah blah dark angel blah blah women playing metal question mark blah blah

41. Spider Bags - Shake My Head

40. Murder By Death - Bitter Drink Bitter Moon
The award for least surprising album title of the year goes to...

39. Ab-Soul - Control System
Does anyone else get weirded out when music critics give rappers props for using big words? "He purports to not give a fuck in the same verse that he correctly uses the non-governmental definition of "congress," yeah, he's a conscious artist who gives a fuck about what he's making. Why would he not correctly use that form of congress? That's some weird subtle racism right there.

38. The Mountain Goats - Transcendental Youth
Read: The Mountain Goats covering Boxcar by Jawbreaker. 
(Oh holy shit I just realized that cover was over a year and a half ago. Point stands)

37. Mean Jeans - On Mars
If this album doesn't make you want to get drunk and make out with a body pillow, I don't know what will, man.

36. Sleigh Bells - Reign Of Terror
I think this album will have more staying power than Treats, but no one cares.

35. Future of The Left - The Plot Against Common Sense
Does anyone know where this endless well of vitriol comes from that Andy Falkous seems to always be sippin on? I want in.

34. Masked Intruder - Masked Intruder
Self-aware pop-punk. Fucking finally.

33. Jeff Rosenstock - I Look Like Shit
I'll miss Bomb The Music Industry, but oh wait, no, Jeff Rosenstock just put out a solo album I think I'll live.

32. Why? - Mumps, Etc.
Does Ian Cohen have a personal vendetta against Yoni Wolf? I have a personal vendetta against Ian Cohen.

31. Tame Impala - Lonerism
I refused to listen to this band for the longest time because of the fear I had it would just be pitchfork hype. But I'm glad I started, because now I can space out and kill an hour when I file at my job with zero effort.

Nihlistic tendencies. Self-loathing. Hopelessness. A chorus of empty space. I, too, am a fan of the New York Mets.

29. El-P - Cancer 4 Cure
He really outdid himself this time, except with Killer Mike's album.

28. P.O.S. - We Don't Even Live Here

27. Flying Lotus - Until The Quiet Comes
Kind of what I imagine drowning to sound like. Pretty calming, actually.

26. Glocca Morra - Just Married
The only emo album released this year that didn't come with the self-aggrandizing douchebaggery of the people who made the music.

25. ScHoolboy Q - Habits & Contradictions
Best "brake sound" ad lib tape of 2012

24. Ceremony - Zoo
"MOAR POWERVIOLENCE" - Deathwish Inc. Nerds
"MOAR JOY DIVISION" - Pitchfork  Nerds

24. Paul F. Tompkins - Labouring Under Delusions
I'm not going to make a joke about a comedy album. That's stupid.

23. Hospitality - Hospitality
I wanted to see this band over the summer but then their tent caught on fire and I stayed home and listened to this album instead. Good choice.

22. Dinosaur Jr. - I Bet On Sky
Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that J. Mascis sounds exactly the same as he did like 25 years ago?

21. The Menzingers - On The Impossible Past
Awesome album for Captain, We're Sinking to rip off. Also people ragged on the cover a lot. That's silly.

20. The Fresh & Onlys - Long Slow Dance
"Where the hell can ya score opiates this time of day?" - Me, anytime I listen to this record

19. Roc Marciano - Reloaded
Years later, after being diagnosed with "blunt cancer," the author would attribute the condition to this album and this album alone.

18. Marijuana Death Squad - Tamper, Disable, Destroy
The sound of this band is oddly apt for the name, but you wouldn't expect it. Bump this shit in front of your friends who like EDM and blow their fucking minds.

17. Loma Prieta - I.V.
I saw these guys play most of this album back in March and it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was sleep deprived, a little fucked up, and assaulted with a wall of noise. It was awesome.

16. Perfume Genius - Put Your back N 2 It
Someone put the chords to "Dark Parts" on ultimate-guitar. I have to wonder...who the fuck would listen to that song and be like "This is a good song to cover. I'm really trying that molestation vibe for the open mic tonight."

15. Joyce Manor - Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired
I paid 15 dollars for 9 songs that come out to 13 minutes? Perfect.

14. Cloud Nothings - Attack On Memory
An attack on my memory wouldn't make me forget the horrible fade out on "Cut You". (Otherwise this album crushes).

13. Ty Segall - Slaughterhouse
Wouldn't it have been funny if this was my fifth pick? Like Slaughter house five? I READ BOOKS GUYS MY OPINION IS VALID

12. Waxahatchee - American Weekend
Well, I'm alone again.

11. Screaming Females - Ugly
This album is endlessly inspiring but I also resent every single note on it because fuck how do you play guitar that well?

10. Japandroids - Celebration Rock
Living proof that when referencing prior bands, music journalists have no fucking idea what they are talking about. Comparing them to green day? Really?

9. Death Grips - The Money Store / NO LOVE DEEP WEB
Dicks make me uncomfortable and overshadow the artistic merit - Everyone

8. Titus Andronicus - Local Business
Well it's no The Monitor, but hey they're a band - Everyone.

7. Action Bronson - Blue Chips
The "analysis" this album has seen is like the bullshit Party Supplies jokingly tweets, except they're serious.

6. Literature - Arab Spring
Voxtrot is dead and they're never coming back!

5. The Men - Open Your Heart
Yeah, I like the Replacements too guys. Everyone likes the replacements. Wait a second... Well played, The Men.

4. Swearin' - Swearin'
Finally, pop-punk I can listen to under the veil of indie-pop.

3. Moonface - with Sinai: Heartbreaking Bravery
Well, The National didn't put an album out so here we are.

2. Killer Mike - R.A.P. Music
I'm progressively minded. RIGHT GUYS. RIGHT!?

1. Kendrick Lamar - good kid m.A.A.d. City
Long-winded pretension about the importance of this album even though it's impossible for me to relate to any single word. But fuck you it rules.

-- Editor's note: BEN, AMIRITE GUYZ?

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