Let me start out with this. Now I know we have a lot of fun at Flatted Third, but I recently visited my grandfather at the nursing home - the last remaining grandparent I have - and he has taken a turn for the worse. This wasn't anything sudden like a stroke or heart attack that weakens an individual overnight, it just seems like he's given up. The last time I visited, only a few weeks ago, he was cognizant, witty, and seemed in somewhat good condition. After a lump was recently discovered in his throat, medication was increased - he was in a lot of pain, but completely unaware of the lump. When I visited yesterday, he was drifting in and out, never fully holding a conversation or even an exchange, and didn't know who I was. The other deaths of my grandparents seemed almost detached, as if years of suffering had slowed down the grieving process, spreading it over time. But now that I only have one left, this time around seems much more difficult. My grandfather has already left us mentally, leaving only a tired husk, struggling to survive. I consider myself someone who can take things logically and in stride, though yesterday saw a man warring with losing the last of his grandparents, the wise supporters of his youth.
I don't mean to elicit any sympathy, but I did want to share a selection of songs that seem to help with the grieving process, for me at least. I searched through my song library to find five songs that coincided with the Kübler-Ross Model for dealing with loss, as most people know it: "The Five Stages." After about an hour of finding the perfect songs for each step, these are the songs I picked. Many of them are heavier in sound, as I find myself somewhere in between the anger and bargaining stages. I hope this may one day help you, thanks.
1. Denial: "Baraga Embankment" by Bear vs. Shark (Terrorhawk; 2005)
As soon as the first piano key is struck, an instant sense of doubt is instilled. The song detail loneliness left to brood in a community where the sufferer is seen in sharp negative light. Bear vs. Shark is my favorite band to recommend to people, hoping they will feel the same connection as I do; they have provided me with one of the most intimate ties to a band I have ever felt. If I could summarize this song with one statement, it would be "Oh no, not me." Denial seems juvenile at first, eventually evolving into a separate reality in itself. The rich imagery portrayed in lyrics such as "The kids were pushing their fingers in tarmac, the pavement / The lightening was breathing in faces" creates a surreal picture, an alternate reality's grappling with the extraordinary, all in the split second of a lightening strike.
2. Anger: "Against the Tide" by The Homefront (Sacrifice; 2007)
Sorry for the live video - The Homefront are sort of a local band, what I consider to have been the last great Boston hardcore band. I have included the lyrics to this song for some clarification. Anger doesn't seem to describe this stage well enough for me. I think it would be more appropriate to call it frustration, frustration with uncontrollable outcomes. The song title alone describes a losing battle; fighting the tide will only weaken you, distracting you from the real struggle. But I think the most poignant lyrics come from the phrase "I'm giving up on giving in," a failure to compromise. Frustration leads to anger, as Yoda once stated in one of the reprehensible Star Wars prequels, but misguided anger isn't what dealing with a loss is concerned with. The anger is focused, but the option that the war may be won is unfounded and unrealistic, furthering frustration. This vicious battle is as constant and cyclical as the barking tides.
3. Bargaining: "Marked" by EMA (Past Life Martyred Saints; 2011)
A sense of desperation seems to always accompany bargaining - one side is always given the upper hand, forcing the subservient side to sacrifice in order to continue soem level of stasis. This is the feeling of EMA's "Marked", a outstanding cut off last year's amazing Past Life Martyred Saints. It feels like Anderson is pleading with someone while in a fugue state, aiming for the smallest bit of humanity from her counterpart. The use of drugs in the song resonates well with death - Yes, my grandfather is delirious with painkillers and not the same person, but I cannot imagine how he would be without them. Bargaining helplessly with something uncontrollable is demented, but when it's your only option, you'll do whatever it takes to get things back to some sense of normal.
4. Depression: "Replica" by Oneohtrix Point Never (Replica; 2011)
Depression is a tricky bitch, almost exponential in its growth. "Replica" illustrates the loneliest piano line in the world, surrounded by a frightening environment of blown out dreams and distant lights. These are the final stages of loss, the longest days you'll ever live through. Every detail of the room has been inspected, as a means of escaping love ones' glances. The retirement home bed has felt this before: the lifting of body weight, the glacial movement. Fact cannot be accepted until it has been proven to an individual, and until I leave freshly disturbed earth, my grandfather is still with me. These are the longest days.
5. Acceptance: "I Am Extraordinary" by Blacklisted (No One Deserved to Be Here More Than Me; 2009)
To finish where I started, hardcore/post-hardcore music, Blacklisted sees the final stages of death - what I consider to be experienced post-mortem. "I Am Extraordinary" is the perfect song, both to close this list and dealing with the acceptance of a loss. The fact that someone is able to impact another's life is beyond ordinary; we are miracles for even being alive - why should consciousness be assigned to human beings? While this song calls for the death directly, aggressively, "Just do what we agreed on and beat my brains in," it's a confident, brave acceptance of death; I have lived and now I am done. It also accepts a lot of responsibility with lines like "I am only scared because by myself I'm scary." Mourning is never enjoyable but necessary.
With my catharsis blinding most of the above writing, I hope someone can make sense of this. When everything is said and done with my grandfather, what comes next? My parents have recently become grandparents, creating a new generation in my family. Getting older has its advantages, but they come at the cost of the people responsible for your existence. It's impossible to close out this passage with something conclusive or concrete, so I'll try my best to leave with some dignity. I am only one person, and I love my grandfather very much; whatever happens from now on out is going to happen no matter what level of my own interference.
Yesterday saw Flatted Third reach its highest pageviews per day since I started this thing, so I thought I would continue the trend of "Seasonal Music." There are only four shifts from season to season each year; I have to take advantage of it.
This list concerns saying goodbye to summer with some of my favorite tracks from the summer of 2012. Not all of these songs have been released this year, but they certainly will remind me of this past summer. I've decided to break them up into zany, wacky, crazy, bats in the belfry categories for fun, so I hope you guys enjoy!
Wait, Is This Still Metal: Baroness - "Little Things"
Yes, I guess it is - either way, I really enjoyed this track. There is little to no distortion on the guitars, coherent lyrics, and vocal harmonies, but it is definitely still metal - I don't know how else you could classify it. When I first heard Yellow & Green, I was confounded by it. I had no idea what to make of it, drawing me closer and warranting more and more listens. Gerry even wrote an excellent article about the state of metal concerning this record. By the end of the summer I had purchased the double LP and can say with confidence it will breach my year end list somewhere around the top 25. And man, oh man, that guitar solo at the end...
That Girl/Boy Won't Stop Bothering Me - I Told Her I Was Drunk: Joyce Manor - "Constant Headache"
Yeah, I know the self-titled album came out last year, but Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired came out this year and that's what drew my attention to the earlier release, so I don't know, suck a brick or something - the latter Joyce Manor record was mentioned in my "Albums You May Have Missed" article. "Constant Headache" is a great one night stand song, and it will hopefully send the message to that girl or boy who keeps bothering you. Summer flings are often volatile and misguided by hormones, so make sure you use protection!
Super Sped Up Party Montage: Dan Deacon - "True Thrush"
This song is just so much fun. I reviewed America and found it Deacon's most ambitious album so far. The video is a load of fun, too, so make sure you don't just play the song and open another tab. It feels like a party in fast forward, an overload of instruments and chants flooding the ears. It's only fitting that I got the drunkest on the Fourth of July this summer and this is off of an album called America...or is that irony? I don't even know anymore.
The Best Rap Chatter: Danny Brown - "Bruiser Brigade feat. Dopehead"
This song is just straight shit-talking. I fucking love it. It's crass, hysterical, and features the best chatter in a song, maybe ever: "If you ain't pulling a nigga dick out, slapping yo' face wit' it, throwing this bitch in yo' mouth, sucking dicks with bubbles, fucking all night, and drinking protein shakes in the morning, get the fuck outta here!" I have screamed that countless times this summer. It is the perfect song to roll up to a random house party where most of you are already drunk, only because you didn't "forget the brew."
I Don't Have Any Plans, So I Think I'll Just Cruise: Das Racist - "Luv It Mayne (Featuring Fat Tony & Bo P)
With an infectious hook, excellent production and features, and the expected weird raps from Das Racist, "Luv It Mayne" is perfect to bump through your car speakers as you roll through the center of town. And the best part is screaming out "If gonna baaalllllllllooooooo" at random pedestrians - believe me, you have to try it.
Drunken Party Anthem: Chief Keef - "I Don't Like (feat. Lil' Reese)"
Let's face it, there's not much to this song. I do believe my friend thought the first thing Chief Keef doesn't like, in a litany of don't likeable things, was a "fart nigga." I don't care what he's saying because it's a lot more fun to make up what the two incoherent rappers don't like - A SHIP NIGGA THAT'S THAT SHIT I DON'T LIKE. The beat's pretty good, I guess; well, Kanye liked it enough to make a remix.
The Beach at Night, and Shit: Beach House - "Lazuli"
It's easy to pass off Beach House as the band that made the same album three times, but they're not bad albums, especially both Teen Dream and Bloom. You can practically hear the moonlight splash off the ocean in "Lazuli". I guess this song would also work as a companion on a rainy day you had beach plans on too, if you're into that sort of thing.
I Had Beach Plans, but Now It's Raining Out: Bear vs. Shark - "Baraga Embankment"
Yeah, I know it specifically says "pouring rain" in the song, but that doesn't discredit the dreary disappointment in the song. It also sounds like you were so upset your beach plans where cancelled that you lost faith and killed everyone in your house, but hey, we've all had those days, especially during the summer of 2012.
The Ninth Summer Song on This Playlist: Sonic Youth - "Plastic Sun"
The first live video, ruining what I had going on here, "Plastic Sun" is the quintessential anti-summer song. It's anything but poppy, which is perfect for those days where you want to just stay inside and brood. It's also a scathing comment on the pop acts of the early 2000s: always something I'm down to bump.
The Quintessential Anti-Summer Song: Andrew Jackson Jihad - "Hate, Rain on Me"
If you think I'm lying, then listen to the damn song. It opens with a beer cracking open and embraces hate. Sometimes, you just want to shoot the sun, ending all summer songs. And with the changing of seasons -- Emo is coming! -- it's perfect to say, "Fuck you, summer. Go away until I cannot bear the cold anymore. I'm emotional, and stuff."
So there it is: a farewell to summer. Goodbye, summer 2012, you have been nothing short of low expectations and mistakes.
